The unemployment rate is about 10 percent and that means many of us who still have gigs probably know someone who’s jobless.
What have you done lately to help out that unemployed friend?
Have you called? Have you written? Have you bought the poor sap a cup of coffee?
Some of you have told me you just don’t know what to say when you meet a unemployed friend at the supermarket or a cocktail party. Some of you, whether you realize it or not, start to distance yourselves from these individuals that were once your favorite office mates, or even friends. Some of you say, “I never really was close to that laid off coworker so I don’t have to help, right?”
Wrong. You need to help out and you need to realize your apprehension is normal.
“The main challenge in this situation is that most of us project onto the laid-off person how we’d feel if we were laid off,” says Karen Romine, a psychotherapist in Santa Monica, Calif. “In most cases, this means we see them as a helpless victim who’s in real trouble. The truth is, while it’s a setback, it’s not nearly as bad as we tend to think.”
What may be at play in this situation is something called the “survivor syndrome,” says Holly G. Green, owner of management consulting firm The Human Factor. Sometimes people who still have jobs feel guilty and also worry that they could be next, she says. Those feelings could negatively impact your relationships with unemployed friends.
So, time to reach out folks. But there’s one thing I’ll tell you not to do, ever. Don’t ask your friend “have you gotten a job yet?” Please. Please. That will just make them feel horrible.
Thom Singer, author of “Batteries Not Included: 66 Tips to Energize Your Career”, offered five tips on how to help:
1. Be available. While it is hard to grasp when you have a job, being able to see friends, family and former co-workers is important while un-employed. Your regular calls, emails and visits make a difference in keeping people motivated and feeling connected.
2. Don’t always ask about the job search. Nobody wants to be “Debbie Downer” to all their friends. They will avoid wanting to talk with you to avoid the conversation. Engage them in other areas of discussion, not just job search.
3. Talk them up to people even when they are not present. If you want to help someone find a job, bringing them to business events and introducing them to others in the industry is a good thing… but talk it further and have conversations with people you know who might have connections to jobs … but do it when the person is not present. It avoids putting either of them on the spot, and if they really want to help they can volunteer. Plus, they sound more special when you are praising them when they are not standing right there!
4. Pick up the tab (without making a big deal about it). Often those who have lost their job have to pay extra close attention to their money, but do not want to be a charity case. Find ways to pay their registration for events or pay for lunch without making a big deal about it.
5. Never let them give up. When people are out of work they can get discouraged. As a friend or a family member you can help them by motivating them, encouraging them, and never letting them give up. Opportunity will knock, but not if they are sleeping in and watching Oprah.
OK, sing it with me…“when you’re down and troubled and you need some love and care, and nothing, nothing is going right. Close your eyes and think of me and soon I will be there to brighten up even your darkest night. You just call out my name and you know where ever I am I’ll come running….”
Have you come a running recently for a jobless friend? What did you do?
If you’re unemployed, what would be the best thing your friend or former colleague could do for you?
February 4th, 2010 at 10:54 am
Great post and great topic Eve. I actually took a friend of mine, who has been unemployed for over six months, out to lunch last week. Not only was it a good chance to catch up on how the job search was going, but it was also an excuse for him to get out of the house and just talk about life in general. Now this friend had had a number of job interviews and was very confident that he would land a job soon, but you could tell that he was very happy to get out and talk, and just hang out with a friend.
I didn’t ask if he had gotten a job, but I did ask how the job search was going. He was very happy to talk about it because he wanted to get my feedback on some of the opportunities and also if I (or any others in our circle of friends) had heard of any jobs that might have popped up. In fact, one of the interviews that he had gone on had been mentioned to him by another friend of ours. So one other lesson here is that by reaching out to your unemployed friends and keeping an eye out for them, you’re not only making them feel better and giving them a sounding board, but you’re also keeping in touch and in many ways their network alive. As we all know, that’s how jobs are found a lot of the time.
February 4th, 2010 at 11:08 am
A cup of coffee, a walk anything that can make them feel good about themselves. They always hear about other people saying, I will call you but never do. If we just follow through with a phone call rather email it helps mentally. It is the human contact that is needed more than ever and to continue after that.
February 4th, 2010 at 11:31 am
It is all about helping each other. We want this world to be a better place and we all complain about how everyone is screwing things up. I always tell my daughter and son, if you guys can’t get along how can we expect people from different countries, people of different races or religions, people from different freakin states to get along. Help eachother…is that too much to ask.
OOOUCH!
Just fell off my soap box, sorry guys. This has gotten me going this morning.
“…when you’re down and troubled…”
February 4th, 2010 at 11:46 am
Love that you put Carole King’s song into your post. One of my first reactions to your thoughts is that “unemployed” should not define who a person is or even what they once were to you. Focus on other common interests or find a new way to connect. Perhaps both have you have new interests since the ones that originally brought you together. Spend a few minutes getting reacquainted and find what else you may share in common- could be 180 degrees from work or career. While the unemployed may be expecting that you are only keeping in touch in terms of a career-related relationship, show them that you honestly care about them as a person and will also try to support their job search and career. No one wants to focus exclusively on just one dimension of their life. By showing a contact/friend/former colleague, etc that you are not just a fair-career friend, you demonstrate your character as a giving individual. In the future, the tables could turn and you might even be the one seeking advice or support from the “unemployed.” After all, their time in transition may provide them with valuable new knowledge and insights that can benefit you now or in the future.
In fact, in my practice as an executive talent agent, I have helped hundreds of clients to recognize that they are more than what their job defines them to be and we use this information to expand their relationships and develop new networking contacts to source a new career opportunity. Turn the tables from using your personal and social network to find a new job to relying on your personal and social interests to build a stronger relationship with those who once were just work buddies.
February 4th, 2010 at 12:05 pm
Yes, exactly Debra. The jobless need to reach out too. If they know their friends are uneasy about contacting them, or helping them, they can make the path smoother by saying, “I wouldn’t mind some contact, an ear to bend sometime.”
February 4th, 2010 at 1:29 pm
Good call, Eve. I’ve been unemployed for almost a year now — I might as well have died.
February 4th, 2010 at 8:28 pm
This post holds a lot of truths and one I can relate to is number one. I think that after a while of not having a job, most people fall into a mode discouragement. My friend’s father was like this and my family invited them over. We all had fun and for a moment I think he felt a break or some state of relief. I also noticed that he wasn’t the only one affected, his whole family was. Eventually he did get a job and I noticed it was a collective joy just not on his part. Great post and great advice.