The best excuse for a dead career is your kids, right? Most people give you a pass when you point to the trials and tribulations of motherhood as the reason you didn’t make it as a banker, artist, or entrepreneur.
It’s a cop out, and often a fallback for women who weren’t really happy with their career paths. Well, the thousands of successful women I’ve interviewed may have wanted to play the blame game when things got tough, but somehow they rose above it.
You can raise the volume up on your career to levels beyond your wildest dreams.
I recently was asked to come up with some tips to help moms from career crashing for a magazine. The story fell through but I thought I would share some of the key points and get your feedback.
* Prepare for a battle to rival the Spartans in 300: I almost crashed and burned when my daughter was hitting the terrible twos. I was fighting to build my career and she was fighting to destroy me. This is the fight or flight crossroads many women hit in their mid- to-late-30s, according to the Center for Work Life Policy. One study the group conducted of women in the science, engineering and technology fields found that over time 52 percent of highly qualified women quit their jobs.
* Purge your life of perpetual mommyness: Break up with your stay-at-home mom friends and others who try to sabotage you, and never go to a play date again. No matter what anyone says, moms who have careers or lives beyond just kids and hubby have a better chance at happiness and you’ll lose sight of that if you try to maintain your pre-job mommy lifestyle. A recent UK study that looked at 4,000 couples found that working moms were happier than their non-working counterparts.
* Pretend you’re not a mommy at work: I remember listening to Jack Welch give a speech at the Massachusetts Women’s Conference and he told the women one thing that left them all with their mouths hanging open. “If you want to get ahead, it isn’t about saying ‘hi’ to your boss, it’s about over-delivering,” he says. “That is the game. When you learn that game that will do more for you than anything else you can do.” No one wants to hear about your kids sickness, or the play you missed, especially not your boss. My editors have been great, understanding men and women but bottom line they really don’t care why I couldn’t deliver my work on time. The main thing is I didn’t deliver. I’m not saying you have to take down those adorable photos of little Cheiron, just don’t whine about being a mom all the time. (I know you know what I mean.)
* Divorce the slacker: If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it one thousand times – if it weren’t for my husband my career would never have made it to the level it is now. When I was writing my book there were many nights when I was trapped in my office hearing my husband prepare dinner, do homework with the kids and then start the laundry. One study asked women in medicine how they were able to balance medicine, motherhood and madness. Who better to ask about dealing with a hectic career and motherhood than women physicians. Well, one of their big tips: pick your partner well.
* Put down the blocks and get off the floor: I don’t think I remember my mother ever getting on the floor with me to play a game, or sitting with me in my room at a table drinking pretend tea at a pretend party. I, on the other hand, can’t seem to get out of playing Hullaballoo…and I have a bad back. We’ve lost our minds when it comes to thinking we have to spend every waking moment with our kids. A study by the University of Maryland found that moms today spent four hours more a week with the little buggers than our moms did in the sixties.
I know some of you out there have divergent views on this, and I’d love to hear your take. No way around it, women still face discrimination in the workplace, and that continues to keep many from moving up. But women who constantly find themselves fighting an uphill battle when it comes to building their careers also have to take a long hard look at themselves and how they can change things.
I recently bought a bunch of frozen, all-natural quiches I plan on serving the family with a salad just to make my dinner life a bit easier.
September 14th, 2009 at 9:30 am
As a former single dad who is trying to have a career while sharing the workload with my new spouse I appreciate this column a lot. There are lots of accommodations that we can make to have work fit our family needs, but none of those should effect what we deliver. If we don’t deliver, it’s game over.
September 14th, 2009 at 9:35 am
While I’m sure your comments will resonate with many, I do believe you went too far when you stated that choosing mothering over a career is “a cop out”. They might be the minority today, but some women–my wife included–prefer mothering to being part of the nine-to-five grind. For her, it’s not a cop out–it’s a choice.
She expressed that desire when we talked in the days after we first met. She repeated that desire when we went through pre-marital counseling sessions. When we discussed financial realities, she indicated that she would work outside of the home if she must, but that she would much rather be free to make a home and to rear any children.
Fast forward 16+ years. We did wed, and we have children. My wife has worked at times, notably when I went through a period without work early in our marriage and again after unexpected expenses surrounding a move left us short for a number of months. No, she doesn’t spend every spare moment sitting on the floor and playing with the kids. No, she’s not the perfect mother (as I am not the perfect father), but she is doing exactly what she wanted to do.
She knows each of the kids better than do I because she spends more time with them. She has more freedom to go on their field trips and to attend their extracurricular activities. She deals with the kids when they come home after having a bad day at school. She does it all. She’d be the first to tell you that it isn’t easy, but it is what she has always wanted.
We started early, so we’re still young. Our kids will be grown and (hopefully) gone while we are still in our forties. What then? She’s talked about going back to school to pursue a degree in nursing, or perhaps in elementary education. It’s not that either of us believe that women have no business choosing careers, but that we both believe it is an honorable choice for a woman to choose parenting over a career, if that is where her heart leads her.
Also, to be clear, my wife doesn’t spend every waking hour chasing coddling our children. She invests her time in the lives of other women, especially other moms who choose full time parenting. They support each other. She’s also active in various online communities. In some ways, it appears that the laptop or PC has replaced the place of phone in the lives of stay-at-home moms; they stay in touch with each other online, often forging real friendships with a more diverse group of peers than they would have normally known in their neighborhoods.
In some ways, I feel it must be much tougher for them during this time, however, because there are fewer of them around than when I was a boy. I remember going door-to-door for fundraisers as a child. At that time, I had great success doing it right after school until about supper time–most houses had someone, usually a mom, at home. My mom would follow along behind us, chatting with some other mom from the neighborhood, or perhaps a schoolmate’s mom. Today, my kids have tried fundraising, too, but there’s never seems to be anyone home (other than kids) before 6 PM.
So, if you feel that balancing work and family is your thing, Eve, more power to you. Just please don’t point accusatory fingers at people like my beloved wife and suggest that their staying home is a “cop out” for keeping themselves from more meaningful contributions in this world. I don’t believe we have the right to decide what is meaningful for someone else.
September 14th, 2009 at 10:10 am
One clarification HikingStick.
I didn’t say choosing motherhood was a cop out. I said using it as an excuse for why you don’t progress in your career was a cop out.
September 14th, 2009 at 11:07 am
I apologize for misreading your comment, Eve, and for ranting in my thereby miguided rebuttal. I’ve just grown tired of so many career-oriented women looking down at moms who prefer to stay home over the years.
Please accept my most sincere apology.
HikingStick
September 14th, 2009 at 11:11 am
you can rant at me whenever you want to HikingStick. i know it comes from a well-intentioned place.
September 14th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
I struggle with the absolute compartmentalization and polarization of work-life that seems to be your message. I know so few women who “blame” motherhood and use it to back out of a crappy career. But when I read your to-do list to stay engaged and on top in the corporate world, it’s no wonder that some do.
Again we’re being offered these tired “either-or” kinds of choices. I stepped out of the corporate track because of exactly that mentality. And I don’t believe feminism (a movement for which I am deeply grateful and consider myself a part of) fought for me to be a male clone. My motherhood and my career are rich and varied and are about a flow and interconnectedness of home and business and work - paid and unpaid. So few companies get that. And that’s the real reason we leave.
I’m not saying whine about your dramas at work. But on some level it has to be OK to acknowledge they exist. Hell, I’ve listened to enough girlfriend/wife sagas over the years. I hear you on the play time thing. My Mum always worked. But we were included as much as possible. Work and play rolled into each other. That’s my framework.
And whilst we’re at it. The ancestors were no sages! They’re the main reason we’re in this mess! I guess I was thinking dark ages of maybe 30-40 years ago.
Finally. AMEN on the choice of partner. It is key. I could not do what I do without the partner I have. It’s a true collective - we have different roles, but are equally yoked and able to pick up the slack for each other. I realize what a gift that is.
Interesting post. Got me thinking all morning. The point, right?
September 14th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
I get what you’re saying Chrysula, but it’s not about being a male drone, it’s about getting the job done. If we use the example of a surgeon, I think most of us are hoping her mind is on her work when she has us all opened up on the operating table. Businesses don’t run themselves, projects don’t get done magically. We have to be committed and get the work done. That seems to me not to be a male or female thing, it’s just the reality.
I didn’t do a great job at tending my garden this summer and let me tell you, the crappy tomatoes and dead cucumber vine that emerged were no surprise.
September 15th, 2009 at 9:50 am
After I had children, I knew that my priorities would forever shift. I chose not to push for the managerial roles any longer and stick with being the worker bee. It’s kept my career on track and has given me more freedom to responding to family challenges.
There’s nothing to say that you have to be on one track or the other–you just need to be honest with yourself about what your working parent lifestyle can truly handle.
September 15th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
I had mixed feelings while reading your article. One thing that struck me was the tone of your article…. that somehow motherhood was to be below one’s career on the priority list. Not to sound like too much of a preacher, but I do believe too many people today have children and bring them daily to a daycare to have someone with 20 hours of early childhood development credit at a community college, and no emotional attachment to their children, raise them. You say that using motherhood as an excuse for why someone doesn’t progress in her career was a cop out. I agree with HikingStick that it’s often more of a choice than a cop out.
Women are constantly put into positions in which we have to make gut-wrenching choices. Most organizations are always half-expecting women in their childbearing years to drop the bomb that they are pregnant, and once they have children, give up their careers. Even when professional women make their intentions clear about returning to work and then follow it up with appropriate action, they are still looked at with judgment if they do have to leave early to pick up a child who has a fever or attend parent-teacher conferences.
I have many girlfriends who are working mothers and many who are SAHMs. What I don’t have are friends who are able to do what I do, which is continue to do the same work I was doing before having children, but two days a week, rather than full time. Having this situation has kept me sane, maintained and even built my skills and allowed me to continue to maintain and build a professional network. Will I move up the corporate ladder while working two days a week? Of course not. But I consider my career on hold, rather than over.
The problem is, as is implied in your article (or maybe just what I inferred), too often there is an “either/or” attitude when it comes to career and motherhood, so many companies opt to lose talented professional women who still want to make being with the children they bore a priority and have a part time schedule. Why does the definition of a successful career have to be a one-size-fits-all? There is so much hype about work-life balance, but too few organizations are walking the talk.
Do women “use motherhood as a cop out for why they didn’t progress in their careers”? Possibly, some do. However, I believe too many organizations use it as a cop out for why women aren’t getting promoted into high-level positions when they have children. (of course they won’t admit to it!) It is possible to be tough-as-nails at work and still be nurturing and loving at home.
September 15th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Hey! Don’t forget women are the only gender born with ability to mother children (here mothering most importantly involves giving birth). If mothering is seen as a chore then such people should never choose to be mothers. Coming to efficiency of mothering against mothering carried out by men (both single parent and recently partnered once), women have natural instinct to understand her own blood and flesh than the men counterparts. This theory has been proven time and again a million times. Also it is a psychological satisfaction derived for a mother to “mother” her children.
Coming to mothers who are not mature enough to balance their needs to the family’s needs, how do you expect them to excel outside the house at work? By this of course i mean that if the basic needs (human instincts) are not met then there no ability to go further in thoughts! whether you have mothered for 10 years or 11 years as a full time “mothering” opportunity or otherwise, if your dis-satisfaction lies in doing one thing for years improperly then how on earth do you expect to carry on doing extra things/other things that you may not have instinctive affiliation? Now anyone can play the blame game, ultimately what you have gained or lost is what counts in the end. If you are regretting to have mothered and lost out on career, then you should abandon one that you despise and choose the path you adore the most! You are never late in anything as we all have just one life to live! Good luck to folks who despise and blame mothering as a drawback!
September 15th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
I would argue that it’s still possible to excel in one’s chosen career path AND still be a mom (and even acknowledge this while at work). Granted, a surgeon or a CEO might not be able to do it, but with the correct choice of career, it’s possible. I specifically chose a career that allowed for me to be a mom and have a little flexibility in my work hours, in exchange for being on-call 24/7. (I am a commercial property manager.) Yes, emergency phone calls come in at inconvenient times, but on the other hand, I can usually make time to go see the school play.
I agree with your comment that it’s all about delivering results. After having come in on budget and with superior quality for 10+ years, I’ve built a reputation that withstands any damage that being a mommy might otherwise inflict. I also completely agree that the idea that moms need to spend every waking moment with their kids is misguided at best, and at worst keeps children from learning self-reliance and independence. I think it can be good for children (especially girls) to see their mother in a strong leadership role at work, and know that while they (the children) are important to their mother, they are not her 100% reason for being. Kids need perspective too!
Great, thought-provoking blog.
September 15th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Everyone has made some salient points here, but I think some of you read more into this post than there was.
This wasn’t a post about whether working or staying at home was better. This post was for working moms who wanted to kick their careers up a notch, ones who felt they were having trouble in their careers because of motherhood.
I wanted to offer some advice, maybe things working moms hadn’t thought of.
I can’t help but think blaming motherhood, or fatherhood for that matter, for why we don’t attain our dreams is more than just a cop out, it’s very sad.
September 15th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
You sound like a miserable person. This is the first and will be the last time I read your blog.
September 15th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
I’m sorry to hear that Andrea. I’m not quite sure why you think I’m miserable. I’m just trying to do my best to inform people. Sometimes it doesn’t resonate with everyone, but that’s okay. We’re all trying to figure out how to make this world a better place for our sons and daughters, no?
September 16th, 2009 at 1:05 am
@Andreasourus-Ron Jeremy called, he said he wants his penis back!!
It is obvious that I am a simple minded male. This male dominated world we live in is simply worthless without the sweet touch of a sweet gal and the good, nurturing girls who make our children happy. The old saying’behind every great male’ is ridiculous. Behind every great woman there is one helluva guy. These total ass wipe male sperm donors who are gutless and decide that raising their children is the woman’s role and mine is to work are incapable of anything masculine and I will be happy to call them out on it.
I would be extremely happy if my spouse earned more money than I. I would because if she earned it, she would have earned it for both of us and our children. And I would know she unquestionably loves me because I would love her as sweetly and as gently as my gnarled, calloused hands could love.
I do not earn one red cent for myself. I have always literally had the decency to indulge in my endeavors because i wanted to saee my children smile and i wanted to feel the sweet , gentle and warm touch of my Darling Bride.
This same argument is endless. The attitude of our culture has changed ove the last forty years or so because we have never had it so good. Then again when you consider the isolation or the ‘coccooning’we all seem to aspire to has truely created a culture where by we, the human beings on our planet believe that we are content with seeing 40 million dots come together on a white screen and consider some sort of fulfilment has been achieved, I say we are kidding ourselves.
‘'’I recently bought a bunch of frozen, all-natural quiches I plan on serving the family with a salad just to make my dinner life a bit easier.”’
The reason I am an excellent cook? It is because both my ex-wife(the bitch) and my Darling Bride Joanne are horrible cooks. i demand absolutely delicious meals, so I learned to do it myself.
It is that simple. A woman’s primary function is to become pregnant and have babies. Of course, her lover or her spouse should be lovers first. If two people want to have a child together, you should be married and know about each other. Alas’ it happens, unexpectedly. I still say, there is no such thing as an accidental child and if you believe in God, that is how you should feel. If you stop that process of bearing children even because of a carrer, your culture collapses and your chidren will suffer more than you or I ever could. And your career is meaningless to boot.
All great careers have nothing to do with you, however it has everything to do about other people.
Furthermore:
When you have children, it has nothing to do with you, it has to to do with the child.
It is indeed an excellent career:raising your own child that is.
If a man is lucky enough to have a woman and focus the raising of their child’s success, that is the best there is and just about all life has to offer.Yuor time and the time for your lover comes either before or after you’sve done a good job. THat is the balance.
Whe the last of my six children leaves, I’ll have an extra $1000 a month to blow with my baby and this town will rock!!!
Life is that simple.
September 16th, 2009 at 5:27 am
It sounds as though in order to get along, you need to deny (the existence) of your family.
Count me out, my family come first & I’m a successful AVP in a Bank.
I’ve yet to find a kid who is so glad or grateful Mum or Dad are working too long, or too hard, or too far away.
September 16th, 2009 at 11:32 am
I’m always so disappointed when I read blogs written by women who are willing to sacrifice their family for their career. I am a very successful woman who has chosen to put my family first, and my job second.
When I had our daughter, my male dominated company fired me after I returned from maternity leave, thinking that I would be unwilling to travel once I had children. I spent 6 wonderful months at home with our daughter, and was ready to go to work when I received a call from someone who heard I was out of work, and super excited to hire me. I started back 4 days a week for a few years, and am now happily back to full time.
Most of my friends are stay at home moms, and we have great relationships. They are always there to help me in a pinch, and my company has been supportive of my desire to attend functions at school, etc because they know my strong commitment to my family is a reflection of the integrity and commitment I will show them as well.
Anyone like this blogger who wants to hide this part of her life at work makes me suspicious of what else she’s willing to do to get ahead. No thanks.
I wouldn’t trade one minute of the time I spend with family and friends for another dollar earned at the expense of great times and fond memories.
September 16th, 2009 at 11:38 am
I take issue with your comment that we need to cancel playdates and get off the floor. If I’m focused on work when I need to be and I deliver, why can’t I play with my kids when I’m at home? You shouldn’t have kids if you don’t want to spend any time with them. That’s a legitimate choice for some women. If you choose to have kids, you should be committed to raising them. That doesn’t mean you have to stay home, but it does mean at least some quality time in play dates and on the floor. I say play with your kids, but hire a housekeeper and find other ways to use your income to make the time for your kids when you’re not a t work.
September 16th, 2009 at 11:39 am
I have to say, I agree with the concept of leaving a certain amount of “momminess” at home. I’ve worked with both men and women who, during a meeting or at various times during the day, will take calls from home, handle the call promptly, and then get right on with what they were doing, taking maybe 3 minutes out of the meeting or workday. When I’m meeting with them, and we’re on deadline, I appreciate that. What I do NOT appreciate are those co-workers who, in that same scenario, proceed to bring the home drama into the meeting, and give everyone a 10 minute story about the problem. That’s just a waste of everyone’s time - listeners and storyteller. I really don’t care if your child just wiped peanut butter all over your plasma screen TV, I’m on deadline with a project, and if it’s a 4 person meeting, you’ve just wasted 40 minutes’ worth of the company’s money telling us about it. That’s simply not good for business. Everyone who’s read this post and who thinks this is a call for workaholism and abandonment of the family has, I think, totally missed the point. It’s about getting the job done without inconveniencing your co-workers, or wasting company money. Believe me, people in the office always know who the abusers are, even if their direct managers don’t!
September 16th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
We should put our families first, but why do women always want to beat people over the head with the fact that they have kids. It’s a great thing, I know. But there’s a time and place for everything.
It’s not about sacrificing your family. Obviously they should always be the most important thing, but get off your high-horses already gals.
I’m not saying the workplace shouldn’t be more flexible for mothers and fathers; and I’m sickened by people who fire women because of what they think may happen after they have kids.
But, as adults, you have to take a long hard look at the job you have, or the career you’ve chosen, and figure out how to do that well if you want to stay in the gig or advance in your career. If you don’t want to do that, don’t be surprised if things don’t work out. If you can do a great job at whatever you choose — volunteer work, writing, a corporate gig — in a few hours each week great. If what you want takes more time, then so be it. It’s all about what YOU want to do and figuring out how to accomplish it.
September 16th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Wow! Moms are so defensive. I’m a mom, a wife, and a finance manager. I consider myself successful in my career.
I have women who work for me and need time off for sick kids, school functions, etc. I don’t care if they go. I only care if they complete their work on time - back to the ‘you have to deliver’ comment.
In regards to my work, if I have to take time off for the kids, I know that I may need to work late to finish my work. That is, after all, what I’m being paid to do … my work.
I work in a male-dominated company and I only talk about my kids to certain coworkers. This doesn’t mean that I ‘hide’ my mommyhood. I don’t like to share stories of any kids with people who clearly don’t want to hear it. I can remember my life pre-kids and I didn’t want to hear moms oooo and ahhh over their kids. I didn’t care and didn’t want to hear it. People at work may ask you how your kids are doing, but they really don’t care. Give them a simple, brief answer and move on.
Also, I could blame my mommyhood on a lot of things that affect my work. Chaos may hit one morning and cause me to be late. That is my problem, not my company or my boss’s problem. I chose to have kids, I chose to have a job, so I have to deal with the good and the bad of both. It’s just life.
September 17th, 2009 at 9:33 am
This is good career advice, but not necessarily good parenting advice.
September 17th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
In 1998 I made the best decision of my whole life. It was not an easy decision. My second child had recently been born and was a difficult child in his early days. My husband was downsized out of one career and starting a new one at a lower salary, so money was tight and I needed to work to maintain the same standard of living. Yet, on the other hand, my CME was becoming harder and harder to maintain. I was not able to read all of my medical journals and stay as current as I should. I didn’t ever want to go to a physician that did the minimum to stay current; but I was turning into one that was just that. There were not enough hours to excel at both being a doctor and being a mother. I didn’t want to “cop out” as this author stated. But my heart was with my family, more than my career. I chose to stop working.
Now I’m sure most would say that I did cop out. Let me tell you; ITS A LIE! I have never regretted my decision. Sure, my family doesn’t drive the latest automobile, have gorgeous furniture, travel around the world, or have the latest toys or gadgets. But I’ll tell you what I do have. I have a peaceful and loving family. My four children don’t fight and bicker. I do not have a rebellious teenager, but ones that help others. I have joy and happiness. But most of all I have self esteem. I get rewards for my labors and sacrifices. I can see the product of my creation and that they are not becoming like the world. They are not filled with relativistic morals. I have invested wisely. I have benefited. My husband has benefited (career doing wonderfully). And our country is going to benefit by four children, who will be adults who can stand up and chose rightly and lead others down that road. Fulfillment is not in career; that is a lie. Fulfillment is in doing what God naturally placed in your heart. Don’t listen to the lie.
September 17th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
I have mixed feelings regarding your post on mommies in the workplace. At first, I was extremely turned off by your stance — especially seeing a reference to Jack Welch who, after I read a speech he gave about working moms, was the topic of one of my blog posts — but I also see some of the points you are making.
My mother was a very successful working mom, and she integrated her children and family life into the work place without hesitation. I agree she never used her family as an excuse not to deliver a project and she isn’t one to babble on about how her kids were doing in school, but being a mom was an important part of her identity and she never wanted to leave it at home. I also think that your last point is unjustified. Just because moms in the sixties spent less time with their kids, doesn’t mean parents should be involved with play time - every waking moment is clearly too much, but some of my favorite times were playing board games with my parents.
I think that you are looking at a very grey issue with a black and white view. Again, I agree that mothers today may take things a bit too far at work, but I would consider your standards for promotion more of a hindrance than a help for an average mother.
September 18th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
I think probably the best way to improve this article and the advice within is to omit the suggestions that involve homelife (playing with the children, stay at home mom friends, etc) and limit the advice to the workplace and how to improve at work. Judging by the majority of comments here, I’m going to guess that they are also the majority of readers of this type of article and hence, not the moms who want to be CEOs or better (at least while having young children at home) and leave motherhood as something that dads or babysitters do. Aim to appeal to the average working mother, the one who needs either to have a job for the purpose of money or for sanity (or both) but who is also afraid that she may lose her job because of the responsibility of becoming a parent or being stuck in a dead end job (cashier, waitress, etc). Perhaps build on the fight or flight part and how to succeed through that. Also good is leaving out some of the mommy data at work, not everyone needs to know or cares, so sensoring the mommy babble is important, but one does not need to “forget” they’re a mom simply to succeed (in fact, I’m guessing there’s a large number of mom’s out there–the one’s that read this stuff–that probably do a lot better and have more drive because they think about their child/ren as much as they think about their work). This isn’t a terrible article, but it is useless unless refined so it’s probably a good thing that it fell through in the first place.
September 18th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
P.S. you’re absolutely right in “No matter what anyone says, moms who have careers or lives beyond just kids and hubby have a better chance at happiness and you’ll lose sight of that if you try to maintain your pre-job mommy lifestyle.” Focus on balancing both and doing well by focusing on work at work then going home and doing well by focusing on your home and children at home.
September 19th, 2009 at 2:02 am
@NewMom
Your name says a lot to me. And from someone who knows, one child is more difficult than two or several children.
This subject is like a perfect argument. We all have very different, and somewhat divisive interpretations of success. Believe me, and I actually do know this well, only YOU can make you feel happy.You really do make that decision every waking day of your life. THere was a time when I worked so hard and so much, even I was astonished at what I had accomplished. And yet, with all that focus, I totally failed. THe break-up of my first marriage was very mutual. And because we had children, there is no end and I accept that. However, after all that, and that is a story im itself, today I am earning about a third of what I earned in the 90’s, and I am most assuredly much happier. I am because I did the best I could do, and right now the best is yet to come.
As harsh as it may sound, God made you to become pregnant. We str here to populate or there is not much a reason to be here at all. If our economy completely collapsed tomorrow and every dime you see in your bank account is worth nothing, What good did your career do you?
However, from the moment the sperm entered the egg, that was a job well done. And that incident will be with you forever and forever be apart of your child’s life.
so untik your children leave and have their own, they owe you nothing, you owe them.
September 21st, 2009 at 11:53 am
As a young father and professional, the advice you give does sound a bit extreme. I certainly wouldn’t want people to go about blaming their kids for why they don’t deliver on their responsibilities, but I wouldn’t describe that as “pretending you’re not” a parent. My favorite conversations with coworkers are the ones where we talk about our kids. My favorite activity when I get home is playing with and talking to my kids and getting them ready for bed (they are 3 1/2 and 1). In my own line of work, I expect to take my career home with me, but in my life–and we’ll see if this works–I don’t expect to stop being a dad when I walk in the door. I believe we need to expect people to be more than one thing at a time, and I think that means both men and women.
I’ll leave it with this thought. Until men finally begin to understand that their roles at home need to evolve, the sacrifices women need to make will always seem extreme to me. At that point, men will finally understand what they have been implicitly sacrificing for generations. I love my career, but I don’t think I would ever have the motivation to pursue it if I wasn’t trying to show my kids how it’s done. That’s the only payoff that makes the sacrifices worth it.
September 21st, 2009 at 11:55 am
I am a successful professional working mother, but I try my hardest to make my children a priority. If I felt I had the option to not work or work less than I do in order to spend more time with my children I would jump on that chance but given my husband’s family business and its location, we could not find a way to do that. That being said I disagree with the comment that parents should not play as much with their kids, I totally disagree. It may be that in the past parents played less with their kids, but in today’s environment, there are often no kids outside for your kid to go out and play with, because they are all away at scheduled activities. Your child can only benefit from playing games with you not only in terms of building a close relationship with you, but in terms of learning and being stimulated or excercised by the games you are playing or learning new crafts or hobbies that will keep them occupied on their own for years to come. This is especially true if the alternative is playing with or watching sometime type of electronic entertainment.
September 21st, 2009 at 10:36 pm
You should add never have a special needs child. My career hit a road block when two of my three children were diagnosed with an illness/learning disability that at the time I knew little about and was unprepared to manage. For a long time, I paid for outside help (nannies, babysitters, specialists, etc.) but the financial pressure and stress of it all took its toll. I quit 12 months after the initial diagnosis and have never looked back.
It’s easy to say keep your eye on the ball, but when it’s your kids life on the line you quickly find there are other more important issues.
September 22nd, 2009 at 7:32 am
It is inspiring to hear about all your stories of sacrifice for your children. We all sacrifice for our kids and should. There is no way around it, your life changes when you bring them into the world. But this blog post was not about moms who leave their careers behind to care for children. This post was for moms who were wondering how to help their careers and balance their mommy lives with work. Just mentioning work and moms these days it really the third rail of career writing. So many women are quick to attack and defend their choices that I wonder how happy some of us really are. Again, my point was don’t blame your kids, or anyone for that matter, for not doing what you want in life. It’s a heavy burden for your kids to carry and it won’t help you either. Life does change when you become a mom, and it changes big time when you have a special needs child you are right Leigh. A good friend of mine had a daughter with cerebral palsy and she left her career behind. What she did find was a new calling though. She spearheading the building of one of the first playground for special needs kids in Tampa. I’m not saying career success is a stressful, corporate job. I can be anything. Women have so much to give our society, beyond just having and raising kids. That’s a big one I know and I’m not belittling that. But we are more than just mothers, and that’s a great thing. Can you imagine if all those moms out there using motherhood as an excuse for why they don’t follow their dreams decided to follow their dreams this morning what a beautiful world we’d end up living in…a beautiful, loving, peaceful world. Don’t our kids deserve it?
September 22nd, 2009 at 9:47 am
The main way to find happiness as a parent or in a profession is to do your job well–leave nothing behind. If you are trying to do both, then you end up doing each one about half. Result? Disappointment with both. The idea that there is true “balance” is absurd. Some people have to do both because they have no choice–some people volunteer for it, then are surprised that they can’t really do it. There’s no real secret here: being a parent has always been a full-time, hard job. Doing a job well–whether it’s a profession or avocation–has always been a full-time, hard job. You can’t really combine them. For people who have bought into the delusion, then you get what you paid for: doing neither job particularly well.
September 23rd, 2009 at 1:54 pm
This post really resonated with me. I’m so tired of hearing women complain about the glass ceiling, the gap between men’s and women’s pay, and the word “mompreneur” makes me want to vomit. I don’t care if you’re a mom. All I care about is whether you got the job done.
Women need to hear the truth about why they’re not getting ahead, and the points in this article go a long way in explaining why the glass ceiling still exists. A lot of it is behavioral, and in my opinion, is directly related to how women are socialized.
You can have a career and a family, but you have to be honest with yourself about what it takes and ask yourself if you’re really committed to that. If you are always acting like a mommy, no one’s going to take you seriously.