Lately I’ve been getting lots of emails from women who left their careers behind to raise their kids and are now having second thoughts about the decisions they made.
The main driver of their doubt seems to the bad economy. Many women are desperate for work now because their husbands have either lost their jobs or had their incomes cut during this painful recession. Given their years of voluntary unemployment, some of these women are finding it difficult to get back into the work world.
This from one reader:
I’m a displaced house-wife (homemaker) all my kids are grown, one still at home (19 yrs. old working w/ his dad) I want to, do something now with my life, besides stay home and keep house. As of now my husband is working by the hour at a fourth of what we are used to make because of the building slump. I need to go into the work force or go back to school, get into something with benefits or do something, but I DON”t know what? Help!!! I 53 years old soon to be 54. I haven’t worked outside the home in so long, I have NOTHING to put on resume or application, no work history or references. When I look at the information on the applications, I think I don’t have anything to even get my foot in the door. I wish I could get some sort of on the job training. I feel I’m to old to be thinking of career at my age. I just need to find someone who would be willing to train me. I’m so confused!
It’s a heartbreaking story, but one that’s replaying itself around the country. The recession may be making things worse, but women who decide to leave their careers behind often end up at this cross roads.
I read an essay recently in Newsweek by a stay-at-home mom who wondered why her daughter’s role model was her father even though she was the one who did everything around the house and for the family.
This question of a mother’s identity when she stays home is one that’s been debated for years. I’ve written about the economic price some women may pay for choosing this path, and I’ve encouraged my own friends and family members not to go down it, at least not for too long.
I admit it’s women like me that may also be feeding into the identity issue.
That’s why I wanted to give voice to a stay-at-home mom for a change. I asked a friend of mine, who was a school teacher but decided to take time off to raise her daughters, if she would share a bit about what she’s faced given her choice.
This Is My Career, Dagnabbit!
By Angela Holodick
It happened again. I was out with a friend, meeting some of her friends (a group of successful journalists) for drinks, when one of my new acquaintances innocently enough asked me what I did for a living. This isn’t an odd question. In fact, it is usually one of the first things we ask someone when we’re getting to know them. Yet I still always inwardly brace myself while answering because I’ve experienced “the look” enough in the past two years to know it’s probably coming.
I don’t get “the look” from everyone mind you. Mostly it comes from my peers, women near my own age. The reaction I get from men and older women is an entirely different one altogether.
No, I don’t crawl through the sewers or gut fish or anything else that guy (I think his name is Mike Rowe) on “Dirty Jobs.” I am quite simply, wait for it…a stay-at-home mom. Not all that bad, huh? So why do I get an odd look from other women?
The look itself involves raised eyebrows and a blank stare, usually followed by a bland “oh, that’s nice” or “it’s great that you’re able to do that” and then a quick change of subject. After the exchange, I can never quite shake the feeling that my career choice isn’t good enough. Some people have even gone so far as to ask me what I’d like to do. What I’d like to do? Are you kidding me? As if I would ever do something I didn’t like to do.
Avoiding “the look” is a goal of mine. I find myself pre-justifying my answer by saying, “I’m a teacher turned stay-at-home mom” and then explaining that I’m just taking a few years off to stay home with my three girls (ages 9, 2, and 8 months), but am planning on going back in a year or so. This seems to go over much better and everyone starts talking about how hard teaching must be or their friend so and so is a teacher too. Teaching, I find, is an admirable career choice. When I tell people I taught 7th grade English, I definitely gain respect. “Seventh-grade? Wow, I could never do that.” If I really want them to feel better, I also explain that I’m finishing up my master’s in School Leadership during this time, belong to a book club, and have begun preliminary work on a novel.
So, the question is why doesn’t being a stay-at-home mom gain respect and count as a respectable career choice? In the feminist backlash, has staying home to raise your own children become a second-class career choice? Don’t get me wrong. I’m as happy as anyone that the days where women were expected to stay home are gone. But are we doing the women of this generation an injustice by assuming they’ve given up themselves if they decide to work for their families instead of a stranger? Must I continually explain to everyone that although this is the most demanding job I’ve had in the 20 plus years I’ve been working, I have discovered more about myself, others, and the world by taking it on? If anything we ladies should support each other in whatever choices we make. And ladies, when men do it they are applauded! So come on, what gives?
I have never discussed this with other women, stay-at-home or otherwise, so although there is the possibility that my experience isn’t the norm, I sincerely doubt it. In turn, when trying to remember if I ever gave anyone “the look” when the tables were turned, I can’t guarantee I haven’t. I do remember when meeting women who chose being full-time moms thinking “she must have a lot of time on her hands”.
Shortly, I will go back to parenting 50-180 children each day (yes, much of teaching is parenting, like it or not), but in the meantime I will just be proud of sharing my skills with my own children. And, when that time comes, I will watch my response to other women who choose to work in the home.
What’s your take? Have you given stay-at-home moms “the look?” I know I have.
January 29th, 2009 at 11:01 am
Best way back into the work force is to use Temp Agencies to try out various companies.
If you don’t like the company, just say you only work temp.
If you do, consider them for long term employment.
January 29th, 2009 at 11:09 am
I applaud Angie for her very eloquent response. I am a stay-at-home mom trying to re-enter the work force. As I do infomational interviews, I am getting positive feedback about having taken time off to raise my kids. I too have felt “the look” from people and have responded in the I used to do this before…I too get more respect with this answer.
I have chosen to be home for about 13 years with my kids now ages 9 and 13. As Eve said, one should think about how long you stay out of the work force. If I had it to do over, 13 years is too long to easily go back to your previous line of work. A shorter stint would make the transitition back into the work force much easier. But I haven’t given up on this yet.
Thanks Eve for addressing this tough topic. I appreciate the opportunity to respond. Your friend and past book club member…Chris Chinn
January 29th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Interestingly, I think that guilt over our choices as mothers plagues us no matter what we choose. I have a full-time job, but as a professor, I don’t have to be on campus every day. So I have three days of daycare per week, and then I do the rest of my work at night and on weekends, so that I can spend more time at home with my children (ages 5 and 2.5). Many people I talk to seem to applaud this decision as if it is the “obviously” right one — which of course begs the question of how one woman is supposed to be both primary caregiver and full-time employed outside the home without losing her mind (or too much sleep). I think there is no easy or single right answer for all mothers.
I for one admire stay at home moms immensely. The days I am home are MUCH harder than the days I’m at work, and I hope I never give women “the look.” But I have certainly seen women get that look, and I completely agree with Angela that there is something wrong with other women’s assuming that staying at home is a sorry second choice of career. I don’t know how to solve this problem, but I did want to chime in to say to Angela that she is not alone in feeling this way.
January 29th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
This post brings to mind the experience of a friend, an actor by training and drama instructor who stopped working when her daughter was born 4.5 years ago. Other than two short stints teaching acting at a children’s summer program, my friend has not worked outside the home in all that time. Her reasons for doing so made sense: When her daughter was born, she and her husband lived in New York City and the cost of child care was way more than what she would have earned working outside the home. Since moving from NYC to Pennsylvania she has gone on many auditions and sought teaching work, but for 98 percent of the time she has been taking care of her girl. Anyhow, her daughter recently said that when she grew up, she wanted to be like my friend — “a mommy.” My friend tried to correct her and said, “Well, I’m a mommy but also an actor and teacher.” I felt bad for her when I heard this, because I know her identity encompasses all these roles, but her daughter doesn’t SEE her doing much acting or teaching. She sees only her work as a mother. So in a way I wasn’t surprised by her daughter’s comment.
January 29th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
Eve and Angela, thanks for writing about this topic. I’ve been on both side of the fence. I worked in a corporate environment for over 15 years before having a child. Before my son was of school age, I stayed at home full time, and I received “the look” that Angela referred to. Yet I do not regret at all the decision to have left the workforce for four years. I have some amazing memories of my time off, and I believe my son is better for it. As soon as my son started school, I returned to the corporate world. Right or wrong, I am aware that as a working mother, now I give certain women/stay-at-home-mom’s “the look”. My emphasis is on “certain women”. Eve recommends that if you choose to leave your career and stay home, that you don’t do this for too long. I concur, and so for me, the age of your children determines if I give you “the look” or not. Managing infants, toddlers and pre-schooler’s can definitely be a full time job, especially if you have more than ONE child!. Managing children who are in school all day is NOT a full time job. Our society has turned it into a full-time job by adding the pressure of having our kids participating in all those extracurricular activities that we must chauffeur them to, so that our children will be happy, satisfied, and have the chance to develop. What about the happiness, satisfaction and development of the mothers? No matter which path you go down, it’s extremely hard and demanding, and neither one, in and of itself, is a WIN-WIN.
January 30th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Like Mary Boyle, I’ve been straddling the work-stay at home divide and am currently freelancing. I’ve been blogging about my personal experience on trying to find balance for my family while still maintaining a sense of msyelf here: http://dichotomom.blogspot.com/.
Today I just posted something that I think might help SAHMs: http://dichotomom.blogspot.com/2009/01/something-to-talk-about.html.
Many parents who choose to not work outside the home do contribute in very real ways. I have friends who have run local political campaigns, organize school fundraisers and otherwise make the world go around. They’re critical to our society. So, I would say that if you don’t want the raised eyebrows, don’t allow them! Participate in society in one way or another. Stay informed. Stay interesting, and interested in others. And, for pete’s sake, talk about something other than your children!
January 30th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
I am now a Grandmother of 5. I went back to work when my youngest was in kindergarten, but I chose career paths that gave me some control of the hours I worked. I was there for performances, school duty, etc. They are now 42, 35 and 34. When each turned 17, I asked them how I would be remembered as their Mom. The answers were varied, but the theme was that they knew I was there when they needed me. As a career coach, I’ve had many professionals regret the lost years with their children. 20 years ago, a senior VP for an energy company told me that he knew he had missed most of his child’s growing-up years. When he visited him, the young man said “Dad, You know that winning football pass I made? You missed it. The debate team presentation I made? You missed it”. We can’t go back - - my childhood is over. We can build from here; but I will be a part of my child’s life because Dad - - you don’t get overs”. And, much of that is true. You can miss an anniversary and make it up over time
:):):), but the solo part at the Christmas pageant in the 3rd grade only happens once. You don’t get overs. For those mothers who can be home during the early years - - the memories will last a lifetime. But, if you can’t….don’t beat yourself up - - just leave the laundry, forget the dust bunnys and spend time with your kids while they’re at home. They only pass through that phase one time and - - yes- - you don’t get overs.
February 2nd, 2009 at 9:26 am
I have friends in this identity crisis, reminiscing sadly about their work days, but it can help to maintain your career from home. Many employers are open to telecommuting these days, and this can help keep your resume current when you are ready to embrace the outside job search again.
And on Caterpillar, you’re right, they did have a “worst week”. An acquaintance is on edge over his Caterpillar IT job while helping the company diversify into China. He’s also working 60-hour weeks to compensate for layoffs.
April 1st, 2009 at 10:02 am
I retired from the Navy after 20 yrs, to stay home with our 3 and 6 yr old. It’s been 5-6 yrs at home. I like it. I do not want to go back to work. My husband has a good job. He would like for me to work. Our kids are older now, but still not in high school. I’m involved in their lives, school etc. I do feel guilty about not working. But, I like being home with them, even though they are at school. There is a lot to do. I don’t know many women in my situation. Most are going back to work after taking years off. I feel like I had a good career. We could make more money, have more and more. I like our time, my time. We are not poor. I’m happy but, I let myself feel gulity. We planned our family our careers to make it work. So we should enjoy it. I get good looks and the look. But, I have to do what I know is right for me and my family.