Do parents with young children ever have personal time?
I don’t mean time off to clean the house, or go to a kid’s recital. I mean time to just hang on the couch or engage in a favorite hobby.
My husband Andy and I had a whopper of a discussion/fight over this very issue this morning.
His human resource department advised him this week that he needed to take his personal days or risk losing them; and I suggested he take some time to go to his daughter’s school this Friday. The teacher needed volunteers for a Halloween party and I figured it would be a good thing for him to go in and connect with her teacher.
This suggestions did not make him happy. Why? Both of us have been burning the candle at both ends lately. Work has been crazy and, with all the kids extracurricular activities, we have only two nights during the week where there isn’t something to do. Also, soccer eats up most of our Saturdays, and Sundays are packed with fix-it projects for Andy, and a host of other house duties for both of us.
I don’t blame him for feeling overwhelmed, but how the heck do you make sure your kids are doing well in school and manage work, house, etc., and still have time for yourself.
Time for yourself. Ahhhhhhhh. Is that just a pipe dream when you become a parent?
At some point during our discussion, Andy started chanting, “work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep.”
“Is that all there is?” he wondered loudly.
I couldn’t help but think to myself that the answer to that question might be “yes.”
A scary thought, but it may very well be our reality for the next decade or so.
Any thoughts from all of you out there? Do you also feel this way? Have you found ways around it? Do you have precious personal time?
By the way, Andy just volunteered to go to our daughter’s school Friday, on his personal day.
October 29th, 2008 at 11:00 am
Last night, my wife and I welcomed our tenth child into the world, so this is a topic I know well.
Much popular wisdom today says that you must do everything you can to preserve your own identity while raising children: “me time”, personal activities, time away. These are relatively new conventions, made possible only after the industrial revolution and technological advancements made it possible for people to move beyond subsistance living. Let’s face it, if both parents still needed to work most of the hours of the day to simply raise food, keep the home in order, and rear the children, we wouldn’t be discussing the idea of “me time” because no one in society would have that expectation. [While many households have two full time earners these days, very few of them are paying only for subsistance needs. Get rid of the cable television, car payments, and all of the other things our society has conditioned us to think that we “need” them, and you’ll realize that we really don’t need much to live.]
Now, I know my next statements will be controversial. Some may even consider them inflamatory, but if you find them offensive, I’ll just ask you to ponder why they offend you so much.
What is love? Is it a warm fuzzy feeling, or is it something more? My wife and I love each other. When we married, we knew that we were saying goodbye to ourselves so that we could build our identify as a couple and as a family. That did not mean that our personalities and personal dreams went away, but that we willingly set them aside for each other.
Likewise, when we started having kids, we knew that we would be saying goodbye to ourselves (personally, and even our identity just as a couple) so that we could give ourselves to rearing our children. Here is where our views conflict with most modern wisdom. My wife and I believe that our primary responsibility is to maintain our bond as a couple, and then to give ourselves wholly to our children. That means that our personal dreams and desires have been long delayed or set aside. It means we had to (have to) die to our own desires, and we needed to (need to) give all of our efforts to the rearing of our children. Do we still get time for our own interests? Yes, but very, very rarely. Rather than looking at this as some horrible side-effect of having children, we see it as a sacrifice that we make in the name of love.
While there is an aspect of love that includes warm fuzzy feelings, the most true type of love is the love that looks first to the care and the interests of another. Believe it or not, we went through a period where I couldn’t even stomach my wife (I can’t speak for how she felt about me). The only way that changed was with much prayer and a commitment act lovingly toward her even when I did not find her lovable. The amazing thing was this: the more I acted in love toward her, the more (over time) I found myself feeling love toward her. Then, too, the more I acted in love toward her, the more (in time) she responded in love toward me. Had it not been for that terrible time, I don’t think we would love each other as thoroughly as we do today.
So, most of my vacation days are eaten up with kids’ activities or family activities. On the days I do set aside so I can get rest, I end up helping my wife with something she needs done, or doing something spontaneous for the kids or the family. Do I miss being able to take those days for myself? Absolutely!, but that’s only on one level. I’m able to remind myself that I’m just living out what I committed to do: loving my wife, loving my children, loving my family.
I’m not suggesting that you don’t love your family if you don’t hold this exact view, but I do believe that you are missing out on the rewards of a greater, deeper love. My children have already claimed 14 years of my married life, and I’m now on the hook for another 18+ years. I will choose not to lament the loss of opportunities to pursue my own dreams and desires, but will pour myself out for my wife and children. Someday, God willing, I will see the fruit of my labor in the faces of my wife, my children, and our grandchildren. Then, feasting at that great table, I will know my reward and I believe that it will be far greater than any number of vacation days or personal ambitions.
So, will much of my life be “work, eat, sleep”? Yes, but that is an experience common to much of human history. You can make changes that will make life less scheduled and crazy–limiting the number of extracurricular activities, or setting aside nights where you simply spend time together. Above all, you must have time to rest. The ancient Hebrews understood this in their practice of Shabbat (Sabbath)–a God instituted plan to work only six days of each week, to give the mind, body, and soul a chance to rest and recover. We have done our best to set aside one day a week as a day of rest. Sometimes life pulls us in other directions, but our kids know that Saturdays are typically free from chores (other than cleaning up after onesef). In time, it became a pattern or rhythm in our lives. There’s no magic in sabbath–it just speaks to the fact that we need rest. If you family is not regularly setting aside all work for a time of rest, I encourage you to give it a try. I think you’ll find it very refreshing. It also forces you to think about planning some types of tasks in advance, so you don’t get to your day of rest and find yourself being compelled to work on various projects. Besides, the world won’t stop spinning if you leave those things undone (deliberately) for a day of rest. Try it.
October 29th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
I can relate to your post as I sit here and wonder if I could get everything done that I need to get done in the next 23 minutes (that’s when I need to go upstairs and relieve the babysitter) so that my husband and I can have some downtime this evening. I’m hoping by some miracle I can get the kids fed, bathed, and in bed in an hour (yeah, right) so that I can spend a little time just relaxing with my husband before needing to be on a work call at 8pm.
I constantly feel like I’m stealing time for myself…like when I take just a little too long at Costco or Target. I honestly try not to think about it and do my best to focus on the moments rather than the bigger picture. Anytime I start thinking about how we used to have every evening and weekend to ourselves I have this slightly pained nostalgic feeling wash over me. Of course we love our children and want to dedicate our lives to them but you can’t really know what that means until you have them!
October 29th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
I really believe that if we just give up ourselves to our children we are probably doing ourselves and our kids and injustice.
I didn’t give birth to two kids so I could see them hand over their lives to the rearing of their kids. Our parents sacrificed for us but they weren’t as obsessed with their kids as we seem to be today.
We need to find a balance.
I’m so with you Annemarie…those stolen moments at Costco and Target can be precious.
And I’m so with you HikingStick, we have to allow our kids to claim part of our lives. Why the heck do we have kids at all if we don’t do that.
Now ten kids is a little freaky but man, you go boy for making it all work.
You are right, we don’t need all the crap society tries to convince us we need.
Our problem isn’t that we want lots of stuff. We work because we both love our careers.
That said, it’s hard sometimes. But I do love my husband with all my heart.
I can’t imagine what my life would have been like if I wasn’t lucky enough to meet him.
Anyway, I’m getting off point.
Bottom line, personal time is eaten up by kids. No way around it. But we have to make an effort to snatch a moment or two for ourselves.
October 29th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Such a timely column. I started working from home a year ago. I have a nanny who takes wonderful care of the children while I work, but I totally relate to that chant of “work, eat, sleep.” Thinking back over the past 12 months, I wouldn’t trade my home-based working situation, but I feel like I have completely lost the personal time. Being at the office, I could go out for coffee with co-workers, or sneak out at lunch for some shopping. I love the fact that my breaks and lunches are with my kids, but I must find some balance. I’m such a better mom and contributing employee that way. Let’s see if I can manage that in year 2.
October 29th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Hi Eve,
I must admit that both my husband and I have instituted some me time into our marriage. I go to a Mom’s Night Out with friends a couple of times a month and my husband has poker night once a month and occasionally drinks out with the guys. We always go out after the kids are tucked in bed so we do not have that sense of guilt about missing out on time with them. I find it really does refuel us to tackle the next day of work. I am home with the children full time and I find that I am a better mom and a happier mom when I do get to go out.
Now continuing my career as an artist has definitely gotten side-tracked but I knew going into it that it probably would and I made peace with that before my first child was born. I do understand that I will have time in the future to continue my art career and I am happy to sacrifice that part to be completely there for my children. But I think asking for two evenings a month to go out and enjoy some adult conversation is not too much to ask.
October 29th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Stay strong, you two. And Andy, hope you have some fun (and find a slight respite) at the Halloween party.
October 30th, 2008 at 6:02 am
Eve,
Oh yeah. Parents DEFINITELY deserve personal time, and proper planning + support networks can make it more than just wishful thinking.
With two boys aged 3 and 5, I get up to my eyeballs in the demands of parenting. My wife and I are career driven and spend lots of time at the office so when kid duty calls, it’s the personal time that suffers. Here are the keys we’ve found critical:
- Set personal-time expectations realistically. One parent taking off every weekend leaving the other one holding the kids isn’t fair. On the other hand, one hour of personal time in a month is probably not enough.
- Don’t be afraid to ask for help. We’ve both been up front with the grandparents (who are 2+ hours away) about how valuable it is for them to get to babysit and us to get out for an evening. Fortunately, they’ve been understanding and are willing to help out many times a year. For us, that’s enough.
- Babysitters aren’t necessarily hard to find. We’ve learned that daycare employees are frequently willing/able to babysit on the side. If they’re from your kids’ daycare, even better; they know the kids’ routine and automatically have some authority and trust.
- We’ve been lucky in that our kids have gotten easier as they’ve gotten older. They can play by themselves and understand rules like not interrupting Mommy and Daddy when they’re talking.
So whether a parent’s idea of personal time is a solo shopping trip, a serious spousal discussion about house finances or a romantic opportunity, it’s within your reach if you’re willing to plan a bit and be real about what will work for you and what won’t.
October 30th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
There’s a quote that I came across one day while shopping for a gift for a friend - it said, “Life is not measured by the number of breathes we take, but by the moments that take our breathe away.” I think about this every day.
As a single parent raising a 5 year-old going on 15 (some days), personal time often seems like a luxury. I am fortunate to have support from my family since I decided to move back home, shortly after my daughter’s birth.
Sometimes,the days and nights seem to weave in and out of each other. Working full-time and then dealing with the evening activities - meetings, piano lessons, school work, planning for the next day, etc never seems to end. There are days where I feel stressed, exhausted, and just plain worn-out.
So what keeps me going? As a single parent - I have redefined what “personal time” means for me. Some days, it may just mean having lunch with a friend while at work. Other days, blasting my favorite songs while driving to and from work (hopefully not getting so caught up in the music that I miss my exist - its’ happened) Catching up with friends by phone is always great. Finding time to get a manicure, pedicure or massage in between errands is ideal. Even getting a chance to write in my journal at the end of the day is a feat, even when I am really tired.
But, in all this, I have found that my ideal sense of “personal time” includes simple moments spent with my daughter. Watching the sunset on a summer evening. Taking night walks under the stars. Making rice krispy treats. Camping out in front of the television. Heading to the park to play on the swings. Sharing a cup of tea in bed. Teaching her how to ride a bike. Walking thru leaves. Singing and dancing to our favorite songs. Playing in the snow. Working on crossword puzzles. Counting signs and letters during our car rides. All of these may seem like mundane activities to us as adults - but soaking them in through the eyes of a young can be life-changing.
My daughter looks at each experience as something new, no matter how many times the activity has been done. Her eyes, her face, and everything about her lights up. To her, it’s always amazing.
So, I try to look at my life and hers in a different context. As parents, we all need a moment for ourselves to catch our breathe and plan next steps. This sense of personal time can encompass so many different things that each of us has to define for ourselves. So, these days, I try to live my life similar to the quote, “Life is not measured by the number of breathes we take, but by the moments that take our breathe away.” For me, there is beauty in enjoying simple moments either alone or with someone that you love - that are and forever will be priceless personal moments.