When I was pregnant with my daughter many years ago, I was working for the worse boss I had ever had. He was vindictive, passive aggressive, and afraid of his own shadow — all the key characteristics you don’t want in a boss.
I loved what I was doing, but this guy made my life hell. Many nights were lost to bitching about this manager and at some point my husband and I decided I needed to make a change.
My ultimate goal had always been to write a book or two, and try my hand at freelancing and becoming my own boss, but it was always not the right time to take the plunge. Well, we decided to save my whole paycheck for the nine months I was pregnant and then consider whether I could actually start life as a freelancer once my daughter was born. The jerky boss was a great motivator for finally pushing my fears aside.
We ended up saving enough money that after my six-week maternity leave I made the happy walk into my boss’ office.
I told him I was not coming back to my job because I wanted to become a freelancer and take time to write my first book.
His response: “oh, I know, once women become moms the pull of the child is just too strong.”
I tried to reiterate that I was quitting to embark on a new career path for myself, but he kept doing the wink and nod, as if I was just kidding about my new direction.
I sat there thinking, should I tell this guy — “you’re a prick. That’s why I’m out of here bozo”?
But I restrained myself, opting to do the right thing for the sake of my future in journalism and for the sake of our civil society.
Women do not leave a job they love, that pays them a good wage and fulfills them just because the call of motherhood is tugging at them. I don’t care what Dr. Laura says.
They leave because they don’t like their job, or because their bosses suck, or because the opportunities suck, or because the pay sucks.
The latter, it turns out, is one of the biggest reasons, according to a new study to be released today.
The New York Times broke the story this morning about a Congressional study and research by economists that shows women are leaving the workplace in higher numbers because of the tough economy and it’s not for the reasons everyone has assumed.
Indeed, for the first time since the women’s movement came to life, an economic recovery has come and gone, and the percentage of women at work has fallen, not risen, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reports. Each of the seven previous recoveries since 1960 ended with a greater percentage of women at work than when it began.
When economists first started noticing this trend two or three years ago, many suggested that the pullback from paid employment was a matter of the women themselves deciding to stay home — to raise children or because their husbands were doing well or because, more than men, they felt committed to running their households.
It’s the money stupid.
After moving into virtually every occupation, women are being afflicted on a large scale by the same troubles as men: downturns, layoffs, outsourcing, stagnant wages or the discouraging prospect of an outright pay cut. And they are responding as men have, by dropping out or disappearing for a while.
“When we saw women starting to drop out in the early part of this decade, we thought it was the motherhood movement, women staying home to raise their kids,” Heather Boushey, a senior economist at the Joint Economic Committee of Congress, which did the Congressional study, said in an interview. “We did not think it was the economy, but when we looked into it, we realized that it was.”
I have long talked about how a good job, with bosses who are understanding of family issues, with opportunities for advancement, and that pays a fair wage, are the kinds of jobs most people don’t just check out of. You don’t need an HR experts to explain why there is low turnover in gigs like this.
Women are done a disservice if we all just assume they are leaving the workplace because they have a child. It’s clearly not the case for most women. Saying it diminishes the importance of changing the major negatives in today’s workplace — a growing disparity in pay among the rank and file and top executives, and the inflexibility when it comes to work-life balance.
And the occasional pricky boss of course.
July 22nd, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Eve, wouldn’t it be more fair to state that you didn’t leave your job because of the “call of motherhood”, and that you believe that most women make choices for the same reasons as those that motivated you, rather than excluding the possibility that some women, in fact, do feel “called” to motherhood and have even left jobs they loved for the sake of their children?
While not in the majority any longer, I’ve known a few of them over the years, and they all were/are extraordinary women.
July 22nd, 2008 at 3:20 pm
You know, I never met a woman who quit her job only because of the call to motherhood. Most of the women I’ve known were unhappy in their work situations and figured why not stay home.
I’d love to hear the stories of those women that loved their jobs, were given flexibility and good pay, but still opted out.
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:21 am
Here’s one example. For the sake of this retelling, I’ll call her Diana and her husband Dave.
By the time I met them, he was working in mechanical engineering, and she was working as a retail consultant. They met while in college and married shortly thereafter. As they told their story, neither of them was really interested in having kids, because each was interested in his/her own carreer. He was doing well with in engineering firm, and she had ventured out and started her own consulting firm. She would tell anyone who would listen how much she loved her work. I knew David better than I knew Diana, and he often related how much satisfaction she took from her work. She, from what I knew of her, was not prone to exaggeration.
They weren’t expecting Diana to become pregnant. I was not privy to the details of why, but I remember what a surprise it was for both of them–they were in their mid-30s. The first few months were really tough on them, but they worked through it. David had told me how concerned his wife was that the baby would affect their relationship, and how she worried about the imapact on her business. I had a few children and my own business by that time (though I acknowledged that the coming of the kids did not impact me as much as it did my wife), so I did my best to assuage his fears.
As the time drew near, she made plans to take a six-week hiatus from her business, and they started searching for a nanny. The delivery itself was uneventful–no complications. Their first child was a little girl.
Diana later told us that something changed when she saw her daughter. She “bonded” with the child in a way I can’t understand even though I am the father of nine children. She said that the thought of going back to work and leaving her child with a nanny made her feel ill. When the six weeks were over, she worked with her clients to transition out of the business. She fulfilled short-term obligations and she relinquished her long-term arrangements (one of which, David told me, cost them quite a bit to exit). Since it was a consultancy, I asked why she didn’t just keep it going part time (I couldn’t imagine giving up the income). She told me that, once the baby was born, her heart was no longer at work.
They went on to have another child before we lost track of them. [We both moved during the same year, to different cities, and we lost track of each other. That was my fault, really, as I’m horrible at keeping in touch.] The last I heard from someone in our former home, they had three children and were living somewhere in one of the southern states.
I’ve known a lot of women who have opted to leave work when baby arrived, and, as you’ve stated, most of them choose to do so for a variety of reasons. For those with dreadful jobs, it was an easy decision. Of those, I’ve seen many of them re-enter the workforce at various times. Diana was one of a handful who felt a real conviction about being a mother first and foremost. Had I been in her position, I’d have probably not done what she did.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:33 am
This is an interesting story. But one thing you mentioned concerns me. You said Diana chose to be a mother first. That is what I chose as well when I decided to have a child. Having a job/career doesn’t mean your child isn’t first. I’m not sure when our society decided that if you were not with your child 24/7 you were not a mother first. We have gotten to a point where some women, and men, are convinced that you have to drop everything else in your life when you have a child if you want to be deemed “a mother first.” What kind of example is that for our children? We’re spending so much time doting over kids today, watching their every move, and I don’t see children benefiting from this. And I’m sure the moms who give up everything in their own lives, whether it be jobs, volunteering, hobbies, aren’t benefiting either.
July 24th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Not all of us are doting over our kids, or watching their every move. I reject those modern notions as being the things that define good parents. I send our children out to play with no planned activities. We allow them to explore and roam (within limits we have discussed with them beforehand).
Yes, I did say “mother first and foremost,” for that most fits what she did, but I did not suggest that being a mother first meant she gave up everything that had meaning to her (e.g., hobbies or volunteer interests). When it came down to decisions, she made it clear that her obligation to her child(ren) and family came first.
I also believe that I, as a husband, have a commitment to be, first and foremost, a husband. That means that I need to leave many personal dreams and aspirations behind to be the husband to my wife that I should be. There are other men who put their careers first, and that is very clear in their lives. I choose to be a husband first, father second, and employee third. That defines my priorities. If my wife or children need me, I don’t care what projects I have on the table at the office–I’m headed home to be with them, even if it costs me my job (in fact, I just told my boss that I’m not coming in to complete a systems upgrade this weekend because I have commitments to my family this weekend).
Just two years ago, I gave up on a phenomenal job offer in another city, all because I knew it would be too difficult of a transition for my wife and children at the time. My mother dropped out of business college when she had her first child. She never returned to school, though she did work odd jobs now and again, especially when finances were tight. She often shared how she had hoped to finish that training, and that’s one of the reasons she encourged me and my brothers to pursue education.
I’ve been involved in musicfor most of my life, and I’ve always loved learning other languages. Left to myself, I would likely spend most of my free time learning various instruments or tongues, and would do little with either my wife or my children. Some might say I’m not living to my full potential by not actively pursuing my musical ambitions, or by not actively studying other languages and traveling, but I see those kids set before me and I realize I have a far more important task before me–rearing them and providing them with a framework for right living.
Contrary to viewing such sacrifices as horrible examples for our children, I see them as the greatest examples. I had a mother who could have pursued any life she wanted, but she chose to be with, and to make self-sacrificing contributions to our family. My kids know I didn’t take the Chicago job, but they won’t really understand why for many years. Yes, part of me desperately wanted that position (for oh so many reasons), but I learned long ago that love is an action more than it is an emotion: it is subjugating my own needs and desires to address the needs and desires of others. I can alraedy see the benefits that my family has reaped from choosing our current path. I may never fully realize my personal musical ambitions, but I still get to play now and again, and I’m sharing that love of music with my children. Similarly, my children have been exposed to each of the languages in which I dabble–I’ve helped them to count to twenty (or beyond) in French, Spanish, German, and Russian. When one of my sons came home from school having learned to count in Hmong, he shared his learning with me! What a treat!
I don’t have the time to tell you all the ways my wife has sacrificed for our family. The kids know she has lupus, but only the eldest are starting to realize what it took for her to take them to the beach or to the park (they are starting to understand how the sunlight exposure affects her symptoms). Even I have suggested that she keep out of the sun, but she will not. You can look at her example as that of a fool who sacrificed her own health, potentially cutting her own life short, or you can look at her as a woman who expressed the purest love: a love given freely to her children while she fully understood the cost.
For all my failures, I hope my children will be able to look back someday and understand the sacrifices that my wife and I both made for them.
July 30th, 2008 at 7:53 am
Interesting topic. And one that I relate to perfectly. I did leave my job as a teacher two years ago to become a stay at home mom. Not because I was unhappy at my job or even slightly dissatisfied. In fact, I was at the peak of my career. I had just been named the district teacher of the year, was nearing the end of obtaining my masters in school leadership with promising opportunities on the horizon, and a great career/social network of people who applauded my work ethic and techniques. But, although originally I had planned to return after my maternity leave,I chose to take a break and quite possibly lose the momentum taking place in my career. I did this because I knew this time with my daughter would go very quickly and I didn’t want to miss a thing. I wanted to see all the firsts, to revel in them, to store them in my memory bank for the days when she is 13, 20,… With my first daughter (who is 9) I went back to work after 6 wks. and although I never regretted it, I never got to enjoy it quite as much.
Okay, so I’m being very wordy here. In a nutshell, I left to enjoy the time. I will be starting all over when I go back in a couple years and will have to prove myself all over again but I’m sure I can do that and in the meantime am completing that masters to keep current.