So there I was sitting with two happy couples for a taping of the the Donny Deutsch show, “The Big Idea”, on CNBC that airs tonight.
I mention that these couples are happy because it’s surprising that they are.
Why? They’re not only married, they are also business partners. I know what you’re thinking - because everyone thinks this – how the hell are they able to be partners in love and in business?
Well, these entrepreneurs are the oddballs. And I said that on the show. (Yes, I’ll be on the show tonight; that is, if the editors don’t cut me out. Which is possible, so don’t be disappointed if you stay up until 10 p.m.. EST and CareerDiva isn’t there.)
I was on the show to offer my counter view to their success.
Maybe some of you couples out are considering going into business with your spouse because the economy is tough right now and you may end up on the corporate trash heap. But think long and hard folks before you share your bed and your company with one person.
Here are the five things that can go wrong:
1. Marriage and business both go belly up. You could end up losing your marriage and business because many marriages just can’t take major financial upheaval, which is what happens when starting any business.
2. Kiss romance goodbye. Many couples say they get sick of being together day in and day out. Even the most lovie-dovie couples need some time alone in order to keep the passion burning.
3. Dining room becomes the boardroom. The lines between homelife and worklife are blurred. There is no way around it, you’re going to be bringing your company woes home with you and vice versa. Right now, when I’m bitching too much about my business, my husband slaps me around and reminds me I need a personal life. Who will be there to slap you around if your partner is also bitching about the same company?
4. “I can’t believe you said that.” Talk about hurt feelings! Try telling your spouse they screwed up, or made a wrong business decision.
5. Battle of the sexes. If you never resolved the who’s-the-boss issue at home get ready for all out war at work. One of the reasons my mom and dad couldn’t make a go of running a business together was because my father saw himself as the king of his household, and that translated into him being the king of the business, even when my mom had good ideas because she really was the one who understood the retail business they started. Now my mother’s advice is always, “never with your husband.”
If you watch the show tonight you’ll hear some of how the couples that made a go at partnership made it work. They were the two cutest couples, totally friends, lovers and great business partners. Cricket and Brian Allen, the owners of Bot, a fortified water business. And Sandra and Kym Yancey, owners of eWomen Network, a national networking website.
But again, these are the oddballs.
Here’s a good example of why Cricket and Brian are successful at melding love and company:
I was in the Green room waiting to go on the show, and just before we went into the studio Cricket turned to Brian and said, “did you eat your sandwich?” He turned to her with a genuine smile on his face and yes, “yes, I did.” He was so grateful his wife was thinking of him.
OK, if I did that to my husband, this would be his response: “I’m not Cheiron.” Cheiron is my six-year-old son.
Do you see my point? If not, I will explain it to you. When two partners work together to make a business grow they have to say mean things, critical things to each other often. They can’t take things personally and they have to look at the criticism or advice as constructive and for the good of the business.
Most couples get emotional with each other. That’s not a bad thing. It’s just reality.
You have to leave you emotions and the constant business talk at the company door, don’t take it to work and don’t replay it at home.
Can you do that with your spouse? When’s the last time you guys had an argument? What was it about? Imagine now that you were really angry at your spouse but when the alarm went off in the morning you had to head to an office or factory together and focus on working together in harmony all day.
If this doesn’t worry you, go ahead. Start a mom and pop. I dare you.
July 17th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Hi Eve,
First, I love your openness. As I read through your post, though, I wondered, did you have a bad day? You weren’t your usual self. I hope you’re OK.
p
July 17th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
hey p,
i had a long day. not a bad day. i guess i’m a bit cranky. but i am also trying to be realistic with this topic. i’ve seen it hurt a lot of relationships.
thanks for asking though!
July 18th, 2008 at 10:09 am
[I did it again. I started what I thought would be a short reply and eneded up with a bit of a soap-box presentation. Sorry, Eve.]
I think it’s fair to say that not everyone can function with a spouse as a business partner. It worked for my wife and me, however, so let me provide my perspective on the topic.
1) You have to be committed to each other, no matter what. Your marriage has to be the single most important aspect of your lives. If it is not, the business venture may well become a wedge between the two of you. If you are committed first to your marriage (and willing to relinquish your own will and your own way for the sake of the marriage), you’ll find that other decisions start to fall into place.
2) Before you begin, discuss and define each partner’s role. Who will handle the customer contacts, the cold calling, the bookkeeping? Who will handle the shipping/receiving? Filling out the tax forms? Who’s the first to answer the phones? When do you pass off the call to your partner? What hours will be worked? How will we handle vacations or time away? These are just a few of the topics to consider before making the dive. Consider it pre-marital counseling for your business.
3) Talk to others who have made a go of it. They can share what worked (or didn’t for them), and they will likely have much wisdom you may apply to your situation. If possible, foster relationships with other couples who are partners in business, because you likely won’t simply need their advice during startup.
4) Set rules and boundaries (e.g., no business talk during dinner or on date nights, no clients over after 8 PM). Always plan at least one day off from all business tasks each week (not that you can’t respond to an emergency, but working on your off day should be the rare exception, not the rule). Oh, yes, let’s not forget that you need to follow your own rules.
5) Don’t expect your business to make you independently wealthy in the short term. Expect to scrape by for a few years. I know another couple who started a database development business. He left his full time job to develop the business, but she only cut down to 0.8 time so they could retain income and benefits while they made the transition. As the business grew, she reduced her hours more until she made a clean break after the business was established (after about 2.5 years).
6) REMEMBER RULE #1. Businesses come and go, but you shouldn’t treat your spouse the same way (no, I’m not trying to get into a commentary on divorce here–just think about what I’m saying–treat your relationships like they are forever). If it ever seems your business might cost you your relationship, you have some tough decisions to make. I’ve had three businesses–one was a formal (legal) partnership with my wife and another was legally a sole proprietership that would have sunk without her involvement and support (she was my office manager–scheduling all my service calls, handling ticket dispatches to our subcontractors, and doing zillions of other things [love ya, honey!]). Just remember: there are many ways to earn an income. Choose one that won’t destroy your relationships.
[Oh, by the way, this also applies for all of you corporate climb-the-ladder types. What’s really important? Is it your job title, your office location, your salary, or is it the person (or people) with whom you share your life?]
July 18th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Eve,
You’re welcome. I like that you tell readers things others don’t have the guts to say. You made good points. I don’t have cable so I didn’t catch you on TV — I hope it went well. p
July 18th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Hi Eve,
I watched the show last night and found the couple George Cloutier and Tiffany Spadafora very depressing. For one thing, it shows money can buy anything, and, Tiffany HAS been bought. For another thing, what’s up with the 5-year “engagement” ? If they really loved each other, why is it being dragged out now for 5 years? He’s certainly not getting any younger, and, she has a biological clock ticking like all women…it just seems that all she is is an accessory to this man, and yet they both claim to be “so happy.” I don’t buy it. I think she’s busy pacifying him, appeasing him, providing sex, I’m sure, but in the end I don’t think she’s getting what she deserves–an offer of marriage, the possibility of children, and some kind of life of her own. She’s not even a “trophy wife” ! And with his millions, he really needs to review her wardrobe budget? I don’t know, the whole thing made me ill. Just my opinion, of course.
July 18th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Hey Amy,
That part was sort of depressing. My mom and I watched the show and she called Cloutier a pimp because it seemed like he bought Spadafora. It’s an odd relationship, but it does work for them. That said, it’s not something I’d ever be happy with, and it amazes me how many men and women can sacrifice true love and happiness for the Almighty dollar.
Happiness is not a mansion in Nantucket. It’s about those moments when you look at your significant other and you think, “boy, I love and respect this bozo.” OK, I’m trying to lighten things up a bit. But you could be sitting in a cheap, rundown hotel in India, sitting close with your guy or gal, and think, “How did I get so lucky to be with this person?”
Would Cloutier and Spadafora be able to do that? I don’t know. But it does seem unlikely.
July 20th, 2008 at 1:51 am
After less then one year of dating, my boyfriend and I picked up and left our jobs apartments, and families in New York, moved to ST Thomas, and started and an all natural ice cream company. We officially launched in February, and currently distribute Happy Face Ice Cream, Sorbet, Frozen Yogurt, and Gelato in over 25 super markets, restaurants, and hotels in St Thomas and Tortola.
While I find all your points to be very valid, however the foundation of any strong relationship is a solid partnership. Being an entrepreneur is all about innovation, discipline, and handwork. If approach the romantic side of your relationship the same way you approach the business side you can have your cake and eat it to (ala mode in my case). We work equally as hard at out relationship to keep things separate by setting ground rules about our interactions outside the work place. Our number one rule is no business talk in bed! Number two, only one person can have a melt down at a time. And trust me, there is a lot of melting in this business. All relationships are work, job descriptions are assigned, and responsibilities need to be met, whether you are in business together or not. Creativity and business evokes tones of passion and integrates a more complex degree of trust and respect.
Sure, I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss the days of yearning all day to see my boyfriend after a hard days work. That being together 24/7 on an island no less is not difficult, but working towards our dream, building something together, comforting each other through the hard times, and watching it succeed is an amazing feeling and brings us closer together.