Desperate times call for desperate measures.

If you want to get a job you have to pull out all the stops, send restraint out the window.

Given how hard it is to find a job these days, I’m going to offer you some secret, little known advice that few career writers dare to disclose:

1. Stalk. If there’s a company you really want to work for find out who the president of that firm is and camp out on her or his lawn. (Bring in the newspaper in the morning. They’ll love that.)
2. Threaten. Get to know the top executives at a company and start threatening the safety of their family and friends if they don’t hire you. (You want to make sure not to put your threats in writing.)
3. Bribe. Make sure to send checks and or gifts along with your resume. (Most people find expensive fruit and cheese baskets work best.)
4. Beg. If you don’t get a call back after sending your resume start calling the hiring manager and beg them for a chance. (Talk about your poor children who don’t have enough to eat.)
5. Cheat. Find out who else is applying for the job you want and start smearing the guy or gal all over the Internet. (Facebook and Linkedin are quick ways to get the job done.)

April Fools!

I’m sure most of you thought I was kidding. I hope so. Please! Do not follow any of the five tips. You’ll get arrested.

That said, there are things you can do that may be considered extreme, or at least unconventional, but are also legal and effective:

1. Open the phone book. There’s a great profile in the Wall Street today about Joyce King Thomas, a top executive at a top advertising firm. She actually was out of work for five months early on in her career and got so desperate that she opened up the phone book and started calling every ad company in the book, starting with “A”. She ended up landing a job with a small company that started with “P”.

2. Throw a party. Recently, I wrote a story about landing an interview and one of the experts offered a great piece of advice that was right on and fun. Invite 20 or 30 people, your friends and friends of friends, and network your heart out. I know, you don’t have a gig so you don’t have lots of money. But you could make the party potluck, or just order pizza. Maybe you know lots of people looking to find work or switch jobs; they’ll all be willing to make the networking celebration work.

3. Cyber network. You’ve all heard it before — get the heck on these networking sites like Facebook and LinkedIn if you haven’t already. Put up a glowing profile of yourself, and start inviting everyone you know to join your network. Before you know it you’ll have a growing group of contacts. But you just can’t wait for job offers to pour in. Start sifting through the people, people you are connected to and start asking the people you know if they could connect you with the people you want to know. Even though your friends want to help, sometimes they don’t realize how their expanding networks can fit into your career plan.

4. Cold call. Pick up that old-fashioned tool called the telephone and call the companies where you want to work. First do a bit of homework and find out who the hiring manager for a particular job is. This will take some research. If you know a certain position is open you can find out which department that position is in and then call the head of that department. I know, this is scary. The person may hang up on you. (Then who would want to work for such a jerk anyway.) But they may be nice, tell you a bit about the firm, and promise to take a look at your resume when it comes over their desk.

5. Start a blog! Are you an expert in a certain area? Have you worked in an industry for years and have some funny stories to tell? Start a simple blog. It’s free. There is nothing better than being able to tell a hiring manager, or human resource person, you have a blog they can check out to learn more about you. But please, try not to be too personal in these professional, career-enhancing blogs. Just show off your knowledge and your humor.

OK, the last five tips were real and if you follow them you won’t be a job-hunting fool.