What do stay-at-home moms give up…
Lately I’ve been getting lots of emails from women who gave up their careers and spent many years at home to raise their children. Unfortunately, many of these women regret their choice.
My column on MSNBC today addresses the issue.
Many of these women found their path back to the world of work was difficult, to say the least. And quite a few found themselves divorced, wondering why they made the choices they had.
It’s a sad state of affairs and something few women ponder when they make the decision to give up work and rely mainly on their husbands for their economic well being.
I quote Leslie Bennetts, author of The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much?, mainly because I liked the book very much and I give her kudos for even broaching the sticky topic. Her main message to me was women need to think about what the future holds, for their sakes and the sake of their children; not just cross their fingers and hope for the financial best.
While I know the big issue for many women is how they can balance it all given that the business world is still not embracing flexibility for family-work balance, we need to take charge and not just give in to the pressure. If a woman, or man, for that matter, is thinking about quitting altogether because they can’t see how taking care of kids and working will work out, what better time to demand stuff from your employer. What do you have to lose?
UPDATE: I will be discussing this topic on the BE HAPPY DAMMIT on Lime radio, on SIRIUS Channel 114, tomorrow morning, July 17 at 8:45. Karen Salmansohn, the host of the show and a best-selling author, is the type of person I call a “reality-checkophile”, and she’s funny to boot. Listen in tomorrow morning!
July 16th, 2007 at 9:58 pm
I thought back in 95 when i left the weekly paycheck to raise my kids, that as a bookkeeper it would be easy to reenter the working world and pick up where i left off. Not the case. No one will hire me, because my recent work history is not in bookkeeping, rather, its working at part time, brainless jobs, so that i can be home with my kids.
Yes, I would have left corp and stayed home with my kids again, but i wish it wasn’t so hard to reenter life again.
July 17th, 2007 at 11:09 am
I think women make these tough choices and then, unfortunately, pay the piper later. Was it just impossible to find a non-brainless job?
July 17th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
i could have found a non brainless job, but the hours were not kid friendly. as a then single mom of two under 8 yrs old, going to work at 6:30 am when school starts at 8, is hard if not impossible. the child care for before school and after school would have been 1/3 of my paycheck. so i went to work for the school district, which was great for the kids, but even they are not family friendly when it come to sick kids and time off.
If i had the confidence, i should have started my own bookkeeping biz from home and done it that way.
July 17th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
it’s such a tough call. you think you would have benefited if you sat down with your husband and the two of you came up with a vision of what both your careers should and would look like going forward? if you actually drafted a plan, not taking into consideration how much either of you made? maybe that would have included starting your own biz…i don’t know.
July 18th, 2007 at 5:43 pm
although i am so glad i am home with my children…i do agree it sucks when you get divorced and you are left to fend for yourself after so many years! you do evrything to raise your kids the way you feel is right and then you are left with nothing! it should not be that way. so, you are right…you should not stay home and you should leave your kids to someone else to raise from 9 to 5. then you should hope that they are doing it the way you would. hopefully your kids will turn out okay. that is not to say that if i raise them they will be okay, but i think they have a better chance! yes, you should not give up your existance as a person when you have children, but you had them and it is your responsibility to raise them. not leave them with someone else so you can continue to work…just in case you get divorced.
i also have 2 very good friends who are now f—– because they did leave the work place to raise their children. i am seeing it first hand through them. they are struggling. as far as i am concerned, it is a lose lose situation! wouldn’t it be nice if you could get some kind of insurance to cover your ass!
July 18th, 2007 at 9:20 pm
men and women who choose to work and have their children in some sort of daycare situation are not leaving their children to be raised by someone else. since when did we decide that being with our children 24/7, attached to them at the hip, was the way to raise children. most of us didn’t have parents that played games with us all day even though many of us had moms who stayed at home. my husband andy said last night that his mom ironed, cleaned and watched soap operas. we all had moms like that, no?
it’s some new phenomenon, that women are expected to be round the clock kid entertainers. this will do nothing but raise overindulgent children who don’t know how to entertain themselves.
no one knows how our kids will turn out. that’s just the reality of life. we can stay with our kids every second of the day, hover over them, guiding them non stop, and still our children may make some bad twists and turns on their journey through life. that’s scary. it scares me. but we have to finally realize that giving up our lives, whether it be work, volunteering, artistic endeavors, doesn’t help the family. what example are we showing to our children? did we raise kids so that they would one day give up their lives to only raise children? how can we expect to change the world, make it a better place, if WE check out?
August 2nd, 2007 at 11:38 pm
I am a stay at home mom, and frankly, I am so glad I left my job to be with my children. I have to agree with bcgirl’s thoughts, who better to raise my children than me? And, I don’t want to raise your children either, since I didn’t have them. I left the corporate world and I know I would be able to reenter it if crises struck, but I am so glad I get to be with my children all day, not shuffling them off early in the morning to some daycare, only to rush in past their dinner time to pick them up and do it all over again. That kind of existence is not worth any professional title or six digit salary. Who wants to live so sadly. Not the children, not me, not my husband. I have many friends who have gotten a divorce and have found creative ways to make enough money to stay around most of the time, keeping their children happy with mom. Some have had second careers - they are real estate agents, daycare program coordinators, and one who started an office cleaning business from her home. Three of my divorce friends have stayed home, simplified, and live off of their child/spouse support. Two friends moved in with an elderly parent to assist in care and do that for money and free rent. They are happy to make further efforts to love on and be their for their children, raising them faithfully.
When you have children, you are their best bet. Raising them yourself is the most logical thing in the world. Trusting someone else to raise them, so you can go make money, and be far away from them, is just counter-intuitive. But, children will adapt, though they will always wish for tight knit relationship with mommy, they will settle for a intimate relationship with a hired other. Those moms who work away from their children, have no idea what love they are missing, the intimacy, the daily rhythum of lively children in every moment of your day. It is so fun.
I am thankful I can do it. And would make many sacrifices before I would give it up.
_happy SAHM, former professional
Gibber
August 3rd, 2007 at 7:39 am
I think all of us, men an women, have lost a bit of perspective when it comes to how we should contribute to our society. Keeping a job is not only about money. Many people work because they believe they are helping make the world a better place. Doctors, lawyers, social workers, teachers, and dare I say, journalists. If we all check out to make hand puppets with our children everyday because we can’t trust anybody but ourselves to play with our little kids then I have one big question — What kind of world are we creating for our kids when they get older if we all check out. Not a great world. Witness what is going on in our society right now. The growing gap between rich and poor; the slow demise of our health care system; a dysfunctional court system, etc. When do we step up and say no more. When do we become functioning members of our society and get involved in politics, volunteer with the poor or elderly, write great books…all to help make change. I have no problem with parents, both men and women, taking some time off in the first year or so when infants need extra care, but if you leave the outside world behind for years you risk dooming your children and my children to a world that might not be a great place to live. I want my children to contribute to our society in what ever way they can, as musicians, sculptors, doctors, writers, etc. I will think I failed as a parent if they opt out for 10 years to nursemaid their children. We are parents, not round the clock daycare workers. You have to let go and live your life. I know that’s scary but the world needs you.
UPDATE: Ok, I shouldn’t have made the hand puppet remark. I want to make it clear that I think raising children is the hardest thing anyone can ever do, and it’s an incredible feat to raise great kids. That said, I still stand by my argument.
August 12th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
*If these women want careers so bad, why are they having children? Because you want a “friend” when you are old? Or is it just another check on the list of life? Why put kids through the daycare shuffle and cram in “quality” time between 6-8pm? Go have your career and leave these poor kids out of it.
You comment about our society being what it is–what has changed over the years? Women having to leave their kids to work and/or women choosing to leave kids in order to be “self-fulfilled.” Supposedly we women have more choices and freedom than ever so why are our kids having sex younger and younger, joining gangs and killing each other with guns, drugs and alcohol at younger and younger ages? Go to any of the teen sites/blogs and you will continually see their comments–no one is there for these kids.
Children should not be brought into the world for your personal feminist checklists.
September 18th, 2007 at 2:49 pm
ok, the only person that said what makes sense on here is “Lindabc” the rest were just commenting without even thinking about the they were saying. First of all being a stay at home mom or a working mom is a personal choice. A choice that is made between a man and woman and should be respected by society, however it may turn out in the years to follow. It makes me sad to see that women are on here playing the “blame game”. I believe that stay at home moms are good people as well as working moms. They are both trying to do what they believe in the best in raising their children. I do not think that anyone wishes for their child to end up as a bad child. So what if stay at home mom’s may get divorced and may have to get back on their feet? This is just the way that life works, nothing ever comes out perfect to the end. We all just have to have friends in our lives that believe in us and whatever choice we make. The good friends will help you get back up when you fall. The bad ones will only be there focus on what they think you are doing wrong. I think all women should support each other to be better mothers and leaders of the world. Being a good example does not mean that you have to be a lawyer or doctor or even a politician or have a 9 to 5 job. I believe sametimes it takes samething simple as having a good idea of what is around us, knowing between right and wrong etc. So i am just pround of every mom out there who is doing whatever they believe is best for their children and family.
September 18th, 2007 at 3:49 pm
i think one of the most important things is knowing what is right and wrong and having a good idea what’s around us. but that also means being part of society in as many ways as we can.
i’m proud of moms who put their children first, but also have a life for themselves and contribute to the world around them using what ever talents they have.
February 5th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
My wife is a stay at home mom and insisted before pregnancy that she have the opportunity to raise the child herself rather than a babysitter. I wonder how much attention someone can give to a baby if they watch 5 kids at a time besides all the different age ranges. I see all these horror stories on TV and woudl rather work 2 jobs to have her stay home. I f she ever wants to return to work maybe a refresher course in her expertise area would help. Thanks fred - http://NassauCountyDivorceLawyers.com
February 22nd, 2008 at 7:10 pm
I certainly don’t regret staying home with my children for the last 15 years, but I can’t help but question both my original business career choice and why I gave it all up to stay home. However as I look around my community and catch up with galfriends from my long ago career, I am struck by the talent from my generation of women that has left the business world to stay home with their children. Those former female business colleagues that have reached the higher echelons of the business world either never married, never had children, divorced or didn’t have the option due to financial or marital difficulties. We live in affluent communities where the large majority of woman stay home. The women who do work seem to be in the traditional female careers of teachers, nurses and small business owners. Some former business women have taken jobs well beneath their abilities for a few hours during the school day. The only truly high powered women with kids that I know have husbands who stay home. Our children, schools, churches,local charities and husbands’ careers are the major beneficiaries of our detour off the fast track. We work out, take cooking classes, decorate our homes, join book clubs & bible studies, play tennis & golf, get our nails done etc to keep our sanity and fill the day. Most of us have cleaning ladies and don’t even make dinner every night. So why aren’t we working when our kids are out of the house for 5-6 hours per day for 9 months of the year. Is it the same reasons we quit in the first place, namely financial ability and lack of flexibility in our high powered business professions? We are grateful for the blessings of our comfortable lives, but what happened to our career aspirations and dreams? Why did we believe we could do it all, but now can’t rationalize trying to pull it off? It’s not to say we don’t worry. We worry that our husbands will have a midlife crisis, experience health issues or as in my case lose their jobs.
So here I find myself. I along with my husband am now out networking to find a job. He has hundreds of contacts and I can count mine on one hand. I’m calling and e-mailing people I haven’t spoken with for a decade. I’m meeting up with former peers who are now EVP’s of major companies. I’m realizing I’ve missed their comradery and am enviable and proud of their success. I’m googling names of former subordinates who I thought incompetent only to find they’ve also risen to the top of the corporate ladder in the passing years.
So I’m sucking up my pride and getting myself out there. I’m being politely received because of a vague recollection of my abilities and an impressive resume (except that GAP). However I’m told I’ll need to be brought up to speed, especially in my computer skills because they’re paperless now. Or I may have to take a lower level job than I left 15 years ago to get myself in the door. If they’re openly discussing flexible options, I’m truthful that I may not be able to work 40 hours per week once my husband finds a job too. If they’re not, I assure them that I can work full time however in the back of my mind I’m secretly hoping they’ll allow me flex hours and work from home options once I prove myself. I block out the the fact that the kids rarely have a full week of school, and I can’t even contemplate spring, winter and summer breaks. I know that I can do this as long as my husband’s still home and looking for a job. I can probably make enough to cover the basic bills at least. He’s more that willing to do his share at home. I secretly find myself hopeful of jumpstarting my career. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. But once he’s employed and making twice as much as me, travelling and working big hours, what are our choices?
I’m truly grateful that we have our faith, our supportive friends and family, our health, our savings and that I do have an education to get us through this tough time. I know that everything will work out for the best and that we are so much more fortunate than most families out there. And I worry about dipping into the college funds for our 3 children while we’re out of work. I don’t want this to impact their futures. And mostly I wonder what I should be telling my brilliant daughters. Should I encourage them to believe that they can do anything they dream of? Or should I tell them to only choose a career that will work for them if and when they marry and have children of their own?